Christian living

Caroline’s Journey Home

*The very first picture we ever received of our little girl. Love at first sight!*

“So, I keep looking for a blog. When are you going to write about the adoption?”

I’ve been asked that question more than just a time or two the past few months. My response has always been, “When I can calm down a little bit and the Lord gives me the words, I’ll write.”

I guess I’m calm and ready. 🤷‍♀️

Right now, it’s almost 1:00 AM, and I am wide awake, listening to the steady, peaceful breathing of my pretty, pretty, princess Caroline. She’s warm and cozy in her Disney Frozen jammies, hair all a mess, with her favorite blue blanket and paci close by, sound asleep. She’s almost snoring she’s sleeping so good.

Oh, how I waited for these little moments. I dreamed and prayed and waited for what seemed like forever and a day. Some days, it just didn’t seem like our adoption journey would ever move into the coveted “matched” phase. Many days, it seemed like our prayers bounced off the ceiling. But, all of that changed July 28, 2020 with a short little email.

If you remember, July 28th is our son Collier’s birthday. This year, he would have been three years old, my most favorite age. This year, while previous years have been heavy and sad on “would-be” birthdays, for some reason I woke up feeling happy and at peace instead. Our church was knee-deep in VBS (following proper COVID precautions, of course), and it had been fun teaching Bible stories to all the kids with my dear friend and fellow pastor’s wife, Terri Leigh.

We were in the closing rally when my phone lit up showing an email from our adoption agency. I opened it, and read a brief little description of a 19 month old girl in north Alabama who’s great-grandparents were interested in our profile. And in my heart God spoke, “This is her.” Little did I know, across campus in his office, sat my husband reading the same email, at the same time, with the same confirmation from the Lord, “This is her!”

I’m already crying writing this. Whew!

When VBS was over that day, we rushed to meet up with each other to talk about the email. It still gives me chills to know that on July 28th, our son’s would-be birthday, the Lord answered our prayers, and we said yes to this precious 19 month old little girl. Oh, and by the way, the length of our adoption journey as of that day? 19 months long. Tell me the Lord isn’t gracious, even in the little details.

So.many.things happened in those days to follow that it seems a little like a blur. It was surreal. Our adoption quickly morphed from stagnant to everything happening very quickly. We shared many phone calls with our little girl’s birth family, and each time we talked we were more and more convinced this was of the Lord. There was peace that passed all understanding and an instant bond with her family, one that can only be formed by the Lord. It felt like we had always known them.

And, y’all, the prayers that have been answered. The very specific ones…

We prayed for a healthy little girl- He answered. Her great-grandmother said, “She is as healthy as can be!” She also had zero drug exposure, an added blessing.

We prayed that God would allow us to have an open adoption and relationship with the birth family- He answered. Over and above what we imagined, He answered.

We prayed that our little girl would be a joy to our family- He answered. In our first conversation, we were told, “She just brings joy wherever she goes!”

We prayed she would be close by-He answered. She was in Alabama all along!

We prayed she would physically look like us, not for our sake but for her sense of identity and belonging as she grows. He answered. She looks like our biological children, so much so that no one would ever guess I didn’t birth her.

We prayed for a baby, but God answered by giving us a toddler close in age to our two sons in heaven. He answered by giving us what we He knew we needed, even when we didn’t realize we needed it.

These are just the ones I can remember at the moment, but every prayer we prayed for her, He answered, “exceedingly, abundantly above all we asked or imagined (Eph. 3:20).”

Every.single.prayer.

We traveled to north Alabama on August 10, 2020 to meet Caroline for the first time. In my heart, I was excited and nervous all at once. I knew from other adoption stories that it would happen, but I always wondered how I could love a child the same as my biological children. So, another prayer I prayed? That I would feel for her the same love in my heart that I felt the very first time I held our boys. And He answered that, too. I loved her with my whole heart the moment I saw her.

*My first time reading her a bedtime story and rocking her to sleep.*

We were welcomed into their home that day by Caroline’s great-grandparents, two of the most loving people I’ve ever met. They’d been raising her and giving her their very best since she was brought home from the hospital. Caroline’s birthparents, although they love her very much, were not in a good place financially, emotionally, mentally, or physically to care for her. Grandparents were not in the picture or had passed away. These great-grandparents had stepped up and loved her every single day of her life. But, in their words, they had also been praying for a young family to “adopt” and provide a loving family for Caroline. A young family who could give her the life they wanted her to have.

Caroline was the answer to our prayers, and we were the answer to the prayers they had prayed over her since she was born. The Lord had been weaving our story together our entire adoption journey!

It’s been six months now since the day we first learned about Caroline. Five months since she came home on August 27, 2020. As of today, we now enjoy a close, happy relationship with her great-grandparents. God not only gave us a daughter, but he blessed us beyond measure with a MeMe and Poppie who love Jesus and love our family just as if we were their own. Words cannot express how much we thank God for them!

And Caroline—it feels like she’s always been ours and I guess she really always has been. Not a day passes that we don’t look at her and know that she is a most precious gift, straight from the Lord. Every time she smiles and lifts her hands for “Mama” or “Daddy” to hold her or for her brothers to play with her, I am grateful that God gave her to us. We do not deserve her, but God always gives us more than we deserve. It’s His nature.

I know I’m going to read this later and think of things I left out. There are so many details to include of our roller coaster journey the past few years, I could write a book. Maybe one day I will.

For now, if you’re reading this, I want you to know something I know with 100% certainty. God sees you. He hears your prayers. He’s working on your behalf, weaving your story together in the BEST way possible. You’re not forgotten, not hidden, not overlooked. The Lord’s plan for you is perfect, and when it starts unfolding you will be amazed at what beautiful things He can do.

Trust Him. He will answer exceedingly, abundantly above, and it will be worth your wait. I promise.

We’re living proof.

*Our family, with our extra added blessings, Doug and Melissa, Caroline’s great-grandparents.*

How to help someone grieving

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Ever since I entered the blogging world, most all that I’ve had on my heart to write has been the spiritual lessons I’ve learned along our journey of loss and adoption. The Lord has been so good to me, and I wouldn’t trade the close walk I’ve had with him the past few years for anything in the world. When something is that good, it just has to overflow.

However, I’ve had a few years to do some reflection on something that I feel is very important and not talked about enough. That is, from my personal experience, how can I help someone who is grieving?

Grief is such an uncomfortable place to be, both for the one who has lost and for those who are walking beside someone grieving. Most people, I’ve found, really don’t know how to handle grief at all. Because of that, we end up saying the wrong things, not saying anything at all, or worst yet, avoiding the issue altogether.

So, while I’m not an expert by any means, here are a few things (in no particular order) I’ve learned from my season of loss that I believe may be the most helpful to you.

Awkward silences are OKAY. Yes, I understand that sitting in silence with someone hurting is very uncomfortable. We are a people who love words, and when words aren’t being spoken we find ourselves thinking of what we might could say to fill the awkward void. But, many times those moments of silence can be meaningful and healing for the person hurting. They’re times to think, process, or let your mind rest. When trauma and loss is fresh and new, your mind can be bombarded with thoughts and questions. The last thing you need is more words and thoughts to process. One good example of this from the Word of God is actually from Job’s “friends,” believe it or not. While they made quite a few mistakes and said some very hurtful words, the best thing they did for Job was to come and sit in silence with him for SEVEN days (Job 2:13). How many of us are willing to make ourselves uncomfortable for an entire week in order to minister to another who is hurting? But I tell you this in love– do it anyway.
Give the person grieving opportunities to speak of the loved one they lost. Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is let the person talk about the one they miss the most. Often we go to great lengths to avoid the subject, thinking we might upset the person if we bring up the loved one’s name. Actually, it couldn’t be more opposite. Letting your grieving friend talk about their lost loved one can actually be very life-giving. It sends the message that you valued their life, and that can be the very best gift to give your friend!
Remember important days. Grief comes in waves, and some of those waves hit the hardest on certain days. Birthdays, anniversaries of the day they passed, wedding anniversaries–while they can bring wonderful memories, they can also be reminders of the void left when their loved one passed. Try to remember those days (I know it can be hard), and send a card, make a phone call, shoot them a text, make a visit, or offer a hug.
As much as you want to, don’t try to fix them. The only thing that will “fix” the grief they feel is the Lord binding their wounds and healing their hearts (Psalm 147:3). There is no Christian cliche that can fix their pain. In my experience, those little quips can actually be really hurtful. Sayings like “just trust God” or “everything happens for a reason,” while well intended, very rarely offer comfort. Resist the urge to say them. Instead, pray for them. Tell them you love them. Cook them a meal. Hold them when they cry. Ask them if there’s something they need. Those are the things that help the most.

And if you’re reading this and you are the one who has been walking through a season of grief, what I would say to you is this:

Be gracious to people. Grief is hard, but it’s hard on those trying to offer you comfort, too. So many people say and do things that aren’t helpful because they care SO much about you. They just wish they could take away your pain, and they hurt right along with you. Offer them grace, even when they mess up.
God is able to handle ALL of your emotions. Bring him your anger, your disappointment, your sadness, your confusion, your shock, your deep, deep hurt. Bring HIM all your broken pieces. Not only is He strong enough to handle your hurt, but He hurts right along with you. He’s just as angry as you are that you lost a child, parent, or spouse. He never wanted you to experience death. That wasn’t in His original plan; it was a result of sin. He knew how much sin would hurt you, and that’s why He gave His own Son to be hurt and die for you. He’s been the “parent” who watched His son die, but He’s also the one who brought death to life. He can and He will redeem what is broken in your life. Keep giving it all to Him.
Don’t rush your grief. Just because someone else seems to have it all together a month after his or her loss, does not mean your faith is weak because you’re still hurting. Your journey is your journey, and God is writing your own story at an entirely different pace than that other person. He will make it beautiful in His time.

I hope these are helpful to someone. My family has been blessed to have so many people who loved us through our grief. To all those who sat through the awkward silences and have supported us along our journey, the words “thank you” will never be enough. May the Lord bless you for all your loving kindness toward us, and may the Lord bless you as you comfort others.

Amy

But the fruit of the Spirit is…Patience

Patience. Now there’s a word that will make most anyone roll their eyes or cringe at the very thought of it.

Ask anyone, and most people will boast of how little patience they show to others or in the waiting of daily life. And when I say boast, I mean it. Lack of patience is almost spoken of in a bragworthy tone. “Patience is just not my thing.” “Don’t pray for patience, or God will test you.” “I’m just not a patient person. That’s not who I am. I can’t help it.” You get the idea.

Actually, I get it really well lately. Our adoption waiting game has gotten the best of me on more than just a day or two recently. Our t’s are crossed and our i’s dotted. All of the things that we can physically control are in order. Yet, here we sit waiting on the Lord to do his perfect work of bringing our daughter into our lives at the perfect time, and I’m spiritally pacing the floor. Cue the control freak in me! The force is strong!

Y’all, I want to wait this thing out so well. I want to be able to tell my daughter how I joyfully waited for her and prayed every day without an ounce of doubt or worry. I desperately want the Lord to be pleased with my heart and how we trusted Him fully with every step. And while most days I can honestly say that’s true of me, sometimes my flesh gets the best of me and I fail. I find my patience wearing thin, and I have a conversation with God where I inform him how we could get this ball rolling if He’d just let me help!

The last few years of our lives have been put through the fire. From the moment we conceived our Collier in early 2017 until now, having handed him and our baby Isaac back to the Lord, we have been tested. In triumphs quickly followed by brutal disappointment, we have waited for three years now for another baby in our home. I don’t say that to get pity or sympathy, I promise! I simply write that to say, patience is hard. Being faithful to the Lord isn’t always a walk in the park. Waiting can be exhausting, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And so, on the hard days, I have to go back to the Word of God.

I look at Hannah, who while she longed for a child, postured herself at the altar in worship. She poured her heart out in humility to the one who knows her best because He made her. He heard her prayer, blessed her, and answered in His time.

I look at Abraham and Sarah who were barren until they were well advanced in years (Lord, please let us adopt before we’re 80 years old!). They remained faithful (except for the Hagar thing) and God answered in His time, above and beyond what they expected.

I look at all those who prayed and prayed and prayed and kept the faith when it seemed to their eyes nothing was changing. Yet, God always came through in a way that no one could take credit for but Himself!

I look at Galatians, which tells me patience is a fruit of the Spirit. While I want a baby, what I want more is for the character of Christ to be developed in me so that people praise Him, not me.

And, I look to Jesus. I will keep my eyes fixed on Him because He is perfect, and everything is beautiful in His time. I will not boast in patience or the lack there of, but I will boast in Jesus. He will keep giving me the ability to wait, a reason to wait, joy as I wait, and a payoff at the end that is totally worth it.

Lord, I will wait on you. You are worth it, and so much more!

-Amy

God in Every Season

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Today is my kind of day. It’s quiet. The smell of coffee is drifting through the house and I’m curled up in a warm, plush blanket listening to the rain fall outside. If there was a movie playing right about now and my cat was curled up in my lap, I think I could rule this moment as nothing short of perfection. All five of my senses are happy and fully satisfied right now. I’m completely peaceful.

Another Christmas has come and gone, and for someone who loves all that is associated with the holidays, I’ve already packed away our indoor decorations until next year. While I’ve enjoyed the hustle and bustle, carols, lights, gifts, and excitement, the joy of Christmas unfortunately can’t last forever. Change has to come; it’s time for a new season.

I’ve been thinking a lot about seasons lately. It’s no secret that for our family winter came and decided to enjoy an extended stay. For many months it’s been cold and bleak, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we all wished we could fly away to somewhere warmer or hibernate until it all passed. The one thing I’ve learned during our winter, however, is while the sun may not be as bright or felt as close, it hasn’t changed its position. It’s still there, even when we can’t feel it.

The same is true with God. There have been many moments this past year when I couldn’t feel Him or see Him, but that doesn’t mean He moved. He never changes, no matter what is changing all around me. I’ve learned that in a way I never imagined. I’ve been forced to face this season of winter head on, and to trust God when He wasn’t necessarily “visible.” But looking back over this past year, I can see His fingerprints on everything. Because He doesn’t leave us when things and people around us die and leave us bare and vulnerable.

He is God in every season.

He’s God when winter ends and spring comes. When mourning is over and new life begins to bud and bloom. When the sun’s warmth can be felt again after a time of silence and extreme cold.

He’s the God of our summers. When the temperatures rise in life, and maybe for you that’s meant being held to the fire in an intense season of testing. The pressure builds and the heat increases to the point where it almost feels sweltering and unbearable. Right when you think it can’t get any hotter, fall comes and breaks the intensity a little. Spiritually, maybe that means you’ve passed the test and can relax and breathe. God didn’t move when the pressure was on. He remained steady, giving you endurance until “fall” came.

He’s God in “autumn,” the in-between season when life is good. You’ve passed your test and you can rest before winter comes. Leaves are changing and everything is crisp, cool and beautiful. You can’t imagine life being more perfect, even though fall is preparing for winter and spring. Everything is good and maybe it’s in our fall seasons when we depend on God the least because we feel we don’t need Him as much. That doesn’t mean He changes. He remains unmoved, even we our dependency waivers a little.

What I’m saying is that God can be trusted and He remains the same in every season of our lives. Just like the sun never changes its place, neither does our God. He is faithful no matter what is going on around us.

For our family, I believe for now our winter has ended and spring is here again. Our intense season of grief is changing to a time of celebration as we anticipate our sweet Caroline through adoption. I have no idea what she will be like, but I know that if she is sent to us by God, she will be the perfect gift because He is faithful. He’s been with us in every single, changing season. He’s proving His faithfulness through every step of our adoption.

I wonder which season you would say you’re in right now. I don’t you or the details of your life, but I pray today that you’ll believe with all your heart that while everything may be stripped away and laid bare around you, God never ever moves. If death or disease have come unannounced and God feels distant or silent, He’s not. If the heat is on and you’re being tested beyond what you can bear, trust His strength. And if everything in life is good and it doesn’t feel like you “need Him,” lean into Him even more. No matter what your season, He wants to be your God in it. How I pray you’ll let him.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens..” Ecc. 3:1

Amy

Even If

If I were to ask you right now to tell me your your greatest, most intense fear, what would you tell me?

I’m not talking about spiders, snakes, crowded places, or fear of heights. I’m talking about the fears that leave you paralyzed just thinking about them. The life-altering ones. The ones that make you instantly feel sick to your stomach. The fears that, if they came to pass, might change the life you always imagined for yourself.

I remember sitting in our ladies discipleship class one Sunday night as we listened to a teaching DVD by Beth Moore. Her words seemed to resonate with me that night, as she described her thoughts on this very thing– fear. I guess I was so intrigued by what she was saying because a large part of my life has been spent playing tug of war between faith and fear over one thing or another, mostly the life-altering fears. I’ll never forget what she said; it has stuck with me ever since. “If the thing you fear most were to happen, then what? Would you trust the Lord, even if?” (paraphrased)

At that time, I was four months pregnant with Collier and had no idea that just two months later, my greatest fear would become reality. Not only once, but a year later it would be a nightmare-turned-reality twice.

I’m not sure exactly how to word what I guess I had been thinking without saying up until that point, but it might go something like this: “Lord, I will trust you, but please don’t let anything horrible happen in my life. I know You’re strong and able, but I don’t want to go through anything hard. No losses, no tragedies, no disease. Just keep all the majorly difficult stuff away, and we’ll be good. Deal?”

Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. God doesn’t shelter us from adversity. He doesn’t withhold hardship. He doesn’t keep all our greatest fears from happening (even though most of them probably won’t). He enters the fire with us.

I love the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. It’s always been a favorite, but it has a deeper, more significant meaning to me now. These three young men were serving God faithfully, unashamed, wholeheartedly–and adversity came anyway. I love what they said; it’s such a bold declaration of faith! “We know the one we serve CAN save us, but even if He doesn’t, we still choose to serve Him.” (paraphrase)

Did God save them from hardship? NO. What happens was even better–He entered the fire with them. I get chills every time I read this. “Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, ‘Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?…Look! I see FOUR men walking around, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” (Daniel 3:24-25)

If that doesn’t get your heart pumping, you might want to check your pulse! Y’all, God doesn’t promise to remove your difficult circumstances or shelter you from them. He promises to walk with you in the midst of it!! He enters your pain and suffering with you. His presence goes before you, behind you, and beside you. And in the midst of your trouble, He removes the ties that bind you so that you can walk unbound and unharmed. What a great and mighty God! My eyes are full of tears right now just thinking about it.

See, if He removed all of your difficulty, it would also remove the opportunities for Him to reveal His glory to a lost and dying world. What resulted from the the fiery furnace? People saw the glory of God and were changed. Those who were enemies of God put their trust in Him. And the three in the fire? They came out without even a hint of a smell of smoke!

ONLY GOD can do that. And He’s done it for me. My greatest fear wasn’t kept from me. It happened twice, and the Lord has been with me through it all. He has walked with me through the fire, and has brought glory to Himself in the worst of circumstances! Has it been enjoyable? No! But through it all, God has put his glory on display and accomplished more than I “could have ever asked or imagined (Eph 3:20).”

So even if Lord, I will trust you. If my greatest fears continue to become reality, I will praise you in the midst of the fire, because You’ll walk with me. Use me up and pour me out for the glory of Your name. You are worth it, even if.

Beauty From Ashes

Today, for the first time in months, I opened up the nursery door and left it open a little while.

I’ve lost count of how many days I’ve walked down the hallway, passing that door, only to feel warm tears well up in my eyes and feel the same, familiar ache resurface in my heart. I’ve laid curled up on the nursery floor, weeping until my whole body became physically exhausted. Many nights, I’ve sat in the rocking chair in the dark, pouring my heart out to the Lord, asking Him to give me the strength to keep trusting Him when I don’t know how. I’ve mourned over a room that should have been filled with life, cries, and baby giggles, but instead has remained silent and empty for over a year. I’ve left the door closed, and sometimes locked, because for so many reasons it’s just been too hard.

But not today. Coming through the window there is a beam of light shining after the rain has stopped, and instead of feeling sadness, there’s something new stirring. Hope. Joy. New life beginning to form again in a once dead place.

Our adoption journey to bring a baby girl home has begun! God is once again doing a new thing in our family, and in just a matter of time this once dead place in our home will burst baby cries again. The sound of baby giggles again. New life, again. To God alone be all the glory!

When I first started this blog, I immediately new what I wanted to name it. The title “Beauty for Ashes” comes from a verse in Isaiah that I have clung to with my life since July 25, 2017–the day we lost Collier. It says:

“To comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3).”

This verse has given me hope on the hardest days. It’s comforted my heart and reminded me that God will not leave His children in despair. It’s spoken truth to my mind when the Enemy has tried to fill it with lies. It’s God’s promise to me that He will bring beauty from ashes. He will restore life to dead places. It’s what He does.

Have you ever wondered why the islands of Hawaii are so beautiful? It’s because they are surrounded by volcanoes. That sounds a little backwards, I know. When a volcano initially erupts, it destroys life. The heat from the ash and lava will kill any plants, animals or people that are in it’s deadly path. However, over time what results is the most rich, fertile soil for life to grow. Once the ash cools, some of the largest, most luscious plants can flourish, yielding some of the most beautiful landscape you’ve ever seen. The beauty of the Hawaiian islands is the result of deadly, volcanic ash. Beauty came from the ashes.

I cannot recount all the beautiful things that God has done in my life amidst all the ash. He has restored dead places of my heart. He has taught me to trust Him more fully. He has drawn me to the beauty of His character and how wonderful of a Savior He is. He has strengthened my faith and given me the power to endure the most trying year of my life. He has given me opportunities to share with others of His goodness. He has strengthened our family and shown my children He’s able to be trusted and worthy of worship. He has made me fall in love with who He is more than I ever have. When I think of all the beauty He’s grown from the ashes, I can’t help but be emotional. He is such a good, good God!!

I want you to know that God can do the same in your life. He truly does love you with an everlasting love, and He wants to restore the broken places of your life. He wants to bring beauty from the ash heap you’re sitting among, wondering what He could possibly do with your mess. Friend, if you’re sitting in the middle of ash, you’re in the perfect place for God to do something beautiful, for Him to restore life to dead places.

Today, I pray you’ll open any doors that have been too painful to unlock. I pray you’ll let the light shine in and allow Him to grow beauty from your ashes.

Amy

Bring the Rain

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Yesterday, my husband and I were looking through boxes trying to put our hands on a very important document. Unfortunately, that document is still M.I.A. right now, but in the process I came across a box of old photos. I’m not sure about you, but I love nostalgia, those walks down memory lane through pictures. Some were taken when we were dating, some from our wedding, and others from when the boys weren’t yet old enough to walk or talk. I might have gotten a little teary-eyed a time or two. What I kept thinking, however, was how much more simple life was then…

Life before the rain came.

If you would have told me when those pictures were taken that our lives would be in the place they are now, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. Maybe I would have denied it, or maybe I would have become crippled with fear, not wanting to move forward into a future with a sign flashing, “Pain Up Ahead. Proceed with Caution.”

The truth is, whether we realized it or not, we have been preparing for these storms long before they came crashing in, unannounced. We were preparing for it back when those pictures were taken. Back when life was simple and much more carefree.

There is a passage in Luke that reminds me of this, and you probably are pretty familiar with it yourselves. You might recognize it more from the children’s song. It goes like this:

“The wise man built his house upon the rock.

The wise man built his house upon the rock.

And the rain came tumbling down.

Oh, the rain came down and the floods came up.

The rain came down and the floods came up.

And the house on the rock stood firm.”

I’m not patting ourselves on the back by claiming to be wise. What I am saying is that preparation for a storm begins long before it hits. Think about it, you can’t wait until the eye of a hurricane is hovering over your house and then start boarding your windows and collecting batteries, candles, water, and all the essentials to ride out the storm. Those things are done in advance.

Spiritually, it’s how we live in advance that determines how we weather the storm. It’s those early morning times with the Lord over cups and cups of coffee, before the rat race of the day begins. It’s those times of praying, pouring out your heart to the Lord. It’s the times when your prayers seem to bounce right off the ceiling and you wonder if it even matters that you voice them. But you do it anyway. It’s taking your kids to church when you doubt that all the effort just to get there is worth it. It’s loving people who are unloveable. It’s gritting your teeth through tough days, and pushing through while all you can manage to pray is “help!” It’s remaining faithful when you want to give up. It’s telling God everyday, “I trust you.”

Serving Jesus in the daily grind and the mundane. Doing what is right when it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Staying the course when everything is going right and it doesn’t feel like you “need” God as much (LIE!). These are the preparation days for the storms. Deciding to serve the Lord NOW before the storms come.

Those pictures were the simple, day-in, day-out times. Life was good. We didn’t know the pain of losing children. We hadn’t been beaten by tough winds and heavy rain. We hadn’t yet faced all the pain that has come into our lives this past year. But I’m thankful that we’ve been building our house upon the Rock this whole time. The rains have come and beat upon our house, but it’s still standing. We’re not the same people as the ones in those pictures. We’re stronger in many ways, and our desire is to trust God more fully than we ever have, with hands and arms wide open. With unclinched fists.

There’s a reason God doesn’t show us the bumps, roadblocks, and detours up ahead. He doesn’t give us a forecast of furious storms brewing. We’re simply not strong enough to be entrusted with that knowledge. But He is, and He is calling you to a life of faithfulness now, in the calmness of your life. He’s the one who will carry you through the storm, who will strengthen you in the midst of it, and who will bring you out on the other side, stronger than you were before. Not only that, He can take the wreckage of your storm’s aftermath and paint a beautiful rainbow up against the darkest sky. He can use your storm, and He will use it to bring glory to Himself.

If God has received any glory, attention and honor through our journey so far–if even one person has been pointed to Jesus through our storms- then the pain is worth every second. That’s extremely difficult to say and hasn’t been easy to learn. But if pain is what it takes for people to know Him, then…

Jesus…..bring the rain.

The God of Miracles

My tiny little miracle, Isaac.

(Above: My little Isaac, our tiniest miracle)

Have you ever prayed for a miracle?

Me too.

God is always faithful to answer those prayers, but it’s taken me some time to understand why He doesn’t always deliver like I want Him to at times. Sometimes not at ALL like I ask Him. Maybe even sometimes in ways that seem to be the polar opposite of what I ask.

Recently, I took some time and read through all four of the gospels. When I started, I really just wanted to soak up all I could about the person of Jesus. The way He lived, loved, obeyed, sacrificed…everything. Along the way, my eyes have been specifically drawn to all the miracles Jesus did and the motive behind all of them.

What was the motive? The soul.

Not the physical body.

Not to just say, “Hey, look what I can do!” (Even though He did draw attention and give glory to God.)

Every, single miracle mirrored a deeper, more substantial problem–a problem of the soul.

When Jesus gave the blind their sight, it pointed more toward eyes that are blind to the truth of the gospel. He wasn’t just concerned with vision, but the ability to see and understand The Lord for who He really is. So that they might believe.

When demons were cast out, Jesus demonstrated that He can free our souls from anything that holds us captive and enslaves us. Most importantly, sin. He wants to free the captive soul.

When the sick were healed, it was to bring glory to God and to point the lost world around Him (who were eye witnesses to these miracles) toward salvation. Not to be a downer, but every sick body ever healed still eventually died. That’s because Jesus’ end game is not the physical body, but the soul which will live forever.

Then there were the times He raised the dead to life. These are the ones that get me because this is the exact miracle I prayed for a few months ago when we begged for the miracle of a heart beat. This is the prayer that didn’t get answered like I wanted.

But God…He’s graciously shown me that He did answer that prayer. He did give our son the gift of life, just not here. His tiny life has made a global, eternal impact for the kingdom of God through this blog. Isn’t that ultimately better?

See, when Jesus raised the dead, people put their faith in Him. Their souls were raised from death to life, not just their bodies. Eventually, when those same bodies still experienced physical death, their souls still lived. That miracle is only possible because of Jesus’ work on the cross–the ultimate miracle. Allowing the soul to live eternally is a much greater gift of life than any temporary, physical resurrection on this earth. It doesn’t even compare.

Since I have studied this, I’ve thought back to some other prayers I’ve prayed before. Some miracles I’ve begged for in tears. I’ve realized they were all so short-sighted. Oh they were heart felt, and I wanted them. But the motive was all wrong. They were wanting a temporary fix to an eternal problem. They weren’t focused on the end-game, the soul.

If you ever doubt that God still does miracles, rest assured. He does them every day. Some you might be praying for may seem small and some a bigger deal, but God will always answer your prayer for them. Will the answer look a little different than what you’ve asked for? Maybe. Probably. But He will always answer with the end-game in mind–that you (or someone else) may believe in Him and your soul might be secure in Him.

Amy

Come quickly, Lord Jesus

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

That’s a thought that has crossed my mind more than just a time or two lately.

All the school shootings. Gun law arguments. Threats that are leaving parents afraid to send their kids to school. This person has cancer. That family is going through divorce. Sin has blazed its destructive path everywhere you look.

And on a much more personal scale, I’ve had some pretty difficult days the last month or two. Tough ones. The pain of losing a child is unlike any other that I have experienced, and I’m convinced it will not be matched by anything I may have yet to experience in my lifetime. The reality of the loss is always there, and there isn’t a day that goes by when he’s not thought about.

I’ve come to refer to Collier quite often as my missing piece, because well, that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s like putting a puzzle together only to get almost completely finished and realize you’re missing one piece. The whole picture is there, but without the last piece it’s just not the same.

Yes, the Lord has been completely faithful and nothing but good to me. He has carried me and strengthened me in ways that can only be credited to Him. He is piecing my heart back together bit by bit every day and restoring joy within me. Without Him, I would be a total mess. I am grateful for every single thing He has done in me. But, I am still painfully aware that our family is incomplete and will be that way until everything is made new and right when Christ returns.

So why, Lord, are we still here? Why does He linger? Why, with all of the pain and suffering everywhere, has He not yet fulfilled His promise to return?

Because of what His Word says:

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” (1 Peter 3:9)

This verse is the answer. He lingers because He’s being patient with you. He doesn’t want to be a part of your life. He wants to be your life. And so He waits for you to make that change and surrender all of you, not part of you.

He waits for your family member. The one who you’ve prayed for over and over and over and over. The one who seems to drift farther away instead of closer to God. He waits because He wants that one who is dear to you to experience real life. He waits because He hears your prayers for them, and He is being patient to answer them.

He waits for your coworker. The one who works beside you everyday and whom you know has zero interest in anything “religious.” After all, churches are full of hypocrites, right? So why would she want anything to do with that? He waits for her to come to true repentance, and He waits for you to tell her how to have it instead of keeping quiet out of fear of rejection.

He waits for the one who is searching every wrong place for purpose. He knows he’s searching, and Who he’s really searching for. And so He waits.

He waits for all the ones who have been hurt by life’s circumstances. It’s those very circumstances that He knows will lead straight to the cross if they’ll follow Him there.

He waits for the trouble-maker kids. He waits for those who are “too far gone.” He waits for criminals, murderers, politicians, atheists, adulterers, liars, and school shooters. He waits for all those who have been written off by society. Because He loves them and Has a plan for them, too.

He waits for everyone who has not yet come to repentance, and everyone means every one (even though there are those who never will).

When I stop and remind myself to think this way, it makes the waiting a little more bearable, the painful days easier to persevere, and my perspective to be more eternity-focused. It helps me live differently.

There’s work still to do. God is still drawing hearts to Him. He’s still transforming us more into His likeness through our trials and suffering. And there are so very many people who still need the good news of the gospel. I love the way Kathie Lee Gifford expressed the urgency to share after the passing of Billy Graham. “If you had the cure for cancer, wouldn’t you tell everyone you know? There is a malignancy of the soul, and we have the cure. His name is Jesus.” (paraphrased)

So, come quickly Lord Jesus, but keep lingering, too. And help me not to grow weary, but to keep living with eternity in mind.

Amy

2017: A Year of Renewed Hope

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It’s pretty quiet in our house right now. It’s 10:46 pm on Christmas night. My kids have crashed in their beds after a full day of opening presents, playing with their cousin, and stuffing way too much Christmas candy in their mouths. (I’m actually surprised one of them hasn’t wandered into my bedroom, unable to sleep because of a stomach ache!) My husband is dozing off beside me. Everything is silent. Everything except my mind of course, which is racing away and keeping me from sleeping. Anyone else know this struggle?

Tonight, I’ve found myself reflecting back over all that has transpired this year. On January 1, 2017, I remember having hopeful expectations for what the new year might bring. I’m not talking about new year’s resolutions. I don’t make those because I know I won’t keep them! What I’m referring to is an eager expectation, the excitement of thinking how the year might turn out. There’s something about a brand new year, a clean slate, that gives us a glimmer of hope. A hope that things can be different, and maybe an improvement, from the previous year.

However, 2017 turned out to be a pretty tough one for our family. Really, really tough. Three months into the year, we lost my husband’s first cousin to suicide, and the family has wrestled ever since with losing someone irreplaceable and dearly loved in such a traumatic way. I watched his mother that day as she wept over her son, and I thought to myself, “Lord, I hope I never have to know the pain of losing a child.” Little did I know then that just a few months later, I would feel a similar sting as we buried our sweet Collier unexpectedly. Not exactly the kind of year someone hopes for on January 1^st, is it? But my mind has been going back to these verses:

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for Him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)

There is peace that washes over me when I read these verses cannot be described. I remember the day I read them after Collier passed. I was sitting in my chair reading when God magnified these familiar words on the page for me. Reading them gave me chills and, at the very same time, I felt like a warm blanket had been draped around my shoulders. He knew I needed them that day. He knew we would ALL need them at one time or another. Especially in years like 2017.

We need them to remind us we can still have hope in God’s great love. We simply cannot wrap our minds around the magnitude of His love. According to scripture, it surpasses our knowledge (Eph. 3). His love is so unlike our own. It pursued us, while we were His enemies, and purchased our salvation. It’s a love that refuses to leave us in our mess. No matter how broken, battered, and bruised we are, He is mighty to save! While He doesn’t promise to shield us from all hurt, He does promise that because of His great love, those painful things will be redeemed by making us more like Him. After all, being molded into His likeness is the goal! Romans 5:3-5 assures us that “we can glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint or put us to shame because God’s love has been poured out on us into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

We need to be reminded to hope in God’s faithfulness. The character of God is steadfast. He never changes, nor will He ever be anything other than simply who He is–faithful. What does God’s faithfulness mean for us, in terms of hope? It means that God will never leave us or forsake us (Deut. 31:6). He will walk through difficult waters with us, but not let them sweep over us (Isaiah 43:2). He will always keep His promises (Hebrews 6:13-15). He is faithful to hear our prayers and deliver us from trouble (Psalm 34:17). In a world where so many things are constantly changing, we can place our hope in the only One who never will.

We can have renewed hope as we wait for Him. I’m not going to lie…If I knew that this life was all there is, I would completely lose all hope. All the pain that life can bring– loss, disappointment, broken relationships, disease, divorce, wayward children, senseless acts of violence—it can be almost too much for our hearts to handle sometimes. However, all hope is not lost. The Bible speaks of a future hope waiting for us. The author of a devotional I have writes, “Biblical hope is more than wishful thinking. There is nothing uncertain about biblical hope. It is certain but not yet realized. We haven’t experienced it yet, but there is no question that it will happen. Hope is like a memory of the future— a God-secured, God-infused, God-glorifying future (Nancy Guthrie, The One Year Book of Hope).” [Sidenote: Whoever anonymously mailed this book to me, you will never know how much you have ministered to me this year! Thank you a million times!!!]

Thankfully, because of the work Christ did on the cross and through the power of His resurrection, the story doesn’t end here in our broken world! One day, all of our waiting will pay off as the promises of 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 become reality. Jesus will return as He said He would, and with a loud voice will command the dead in Christ to rise! I can’t even put into words what that does for my heart as a mother and a believer! Life at that point will only be just beginning. That’s a hope worth clinging to!

Until then, we can hope in Him, our portion. Jesus is enough for us. Period. When our joy and our hope are rooted securely in Him and nowhere else, we do not have to fear what the future might bring. Nothing can shake us when our foundation is secure in Him. Whatever happens, He is strong enough to handle. Every need we have, He can fully satisfy. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever (Psalm 73:26).”

Has it been a difficult year? Absolutely. But I’m deeming 2017 as “The Year of Renewed Hope.” Moths and locusts came to destroy (Joel 2:25), “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for Him.”

–Amy